As a student, I was the one who never failed. I strived to be the top student in class, the best at extracurricular activities, and the most popular at school. I had it quite easy. I always had straight A’s and was President and VP of the school clubs. When I got bored of exams, I joined a pageant for the first time organised by Astro and became Miss Malaysia. Then I became the first Malaysian to win an international pageant – evidenced by my dad’s proud collection of Malaysian Guinness Book of Records.
I was at TVB for a while, and then I got a scholarship and went to law school. Ultimately, I even got into my dream university, Cambridge. I was literally living my dreams. After I graduated, I packed 2 suitcases and told my parents that I am going to Hong Kong to join the entertainment industry with Jackie Chan Group. Imagine my mother’s worries and agony. My friends told me that I was crazy. Back then, I was thinking, I have never failed and I never will. I was even a Christian by then, and yet I still said that ‘I’ never fail, not that my God never fails. I’ve learned over time that it’s ok to have a platform of influence if it’s God’s will for your life, but if you find your identity in it, that is when you get into trouble.
In Hong Kong, I’ve failed and failed and failed. But Jesus is the greatest teacher ever! I was rejected time and time again in castings, only to eventually land a job that could still be taken away at any moment. I had to learn to deal with rent, the press, rumours about me created from thin air, and most of all, my ego. I realised then that I have a problem accepting failure. Soon, my company collapsed and I was left jobless. I didn’t dare to tell my family or friends. I was afraid that people wouldn’t love me anymore because I couldn’t perform. I thought,
‘Who would actually love me just the way I am’?!
Every morning I would wake up and hear voices telling me the same thing,
‘Rachel, you are not good enough, not talented enough, not beautiful, not smart enough’.
Some days I would just sleep through the day. Once, I even told God that it’d be nice if I didn’t wake up at all..
身為學生，我從不失敗。我要成為班裡成績最好的學生、課外活動中要做表現最好的一位、在校園裡更是最受歡迎的同學，對我來說一切來得挺容易。我的成績很好，一向都獲得高分，同時我也是同學會的主席或副主席。一日當我對考試感到厭倦了，便選擇參加了第一次由“Astro”舉辦的選美比賽，就此成為了“馬來西亞小姐”，然後更成為了第一位馬來西亞人贏得國際級的選美比賽 － 我爸爸自豪地收集了《馬來西亞健力士世界大全》來印證。
贏取後我在無線電視台工作了一段時間，便得到獎學金到法律學院進修，更是我夢想中渴望能夠考入的劍橋大學收錄了我，我真的在夢想裡生活。畢業後，我帶著兩個行李箱便告訴父母我要到香港進軍娛樂圈，跟成龍的娛樂公司合作，可想像媽媽當時的擔憂，我的朋友也說我一定是神經病。當時我在想，我從來未試過失敗，將來也一定不會。那時的我已經是基督徒，但還是在想 ‘我’不失敗，不是神不失敗。經過一段時間後我才學會，當自己是一個藝人且同時是一個基督徒，神會容許我們有自己影響別人的舞臺；但是當我們反過來想在舞臺上尋找自己的身份，混亂與麻煩就來了。
在香港，我一次又一次的失敗，耶穌總是最好的老師！我去試鏡一次又一次的被人拒絕，就算找到工作也隨時失去，這時我學會了面對住屋租金的壓力、媒體亂寫的傳聞、還有最重要的 – 我的自尊心，我發現要接受自己失敗是很困難。過了不久，我公司關門大吉，我就失業了。我不敢告訴我的家人或朋友，心裡很害怕他們因為我不能發揮表現而不再愛我。我想：「那會有人愛原原本本的我？」
每一個早上起床我都聽到一些聲音跟我說一樣的話：「Rachel，你不夠好、天賦不夠、不夠漂亮、不夠聰明。」我試過一整天躲在床睡覺，有一次我更告訴神如果能夠睡不醒也不錯。
[For full post and Chinese translation, click to “Read More”//按“Read More”閱讀全文章及中文翻譯]
At my lowest point, I met a Christian brother who had just got baptised. I used to listen to his music with cassettes back in school. (CDs were more expensive.) This brother told me he got baptised by this hip hop Hollywood pastor who worked with Hollywood performers, F4, Korean pop stars, MC Hammer, MC Jin and other MCs. I was imagining him to be like 50 cent or Eminem – wearing chains, bling and gold teeth going “Yo!”
But the my Christian brother had looked so different from when I knew him before, he was literally radiating light! So I thought I’d give it a shot to try and meet this Hollywood pastor.
That day the hip hop pastor delivered a message that pierced through my heart. He told us artists, that the world only loves us for that we can do on stage. If we perform, they cheer and praise, if we fail, they forget about us. But our identity is not determined by our success or fame because our identity is in Christ, God, the Lord of the world. Nothing we do can make God love us less. God already deemed you worthy from the moment He thought of you, and He loves you just the way you are!
After the message, my friend introduced me to the hip hop pastor from LA. He didn’t know anything about me. I asked him if he could pray for me. I will never forget his prayer to God that day. He said,
Father, I lift up Rachel to you. I know that she’s so precious to you. God I know that she’s your princess so EVERY MORNING WHEN SHE WAKES UP, tell her that SHE’S GOOD ENOUGH, SHE’S TALENTED ENOUGH, BEAUTIFUL AND SMART ENOUGH. Rebuke the lies of the enemy from her head and let her wake up to You every single morning’.
When I heard this, I just cried and cried and cried. I went home to check the email I had just sent to my best friend the week before. In that email, I had said:
‘I am not good enough, not talented enough, not beautiful not smart enough’.
But there it was, coming out of the pastor’s mouth in prayer, word for word what I had just said to my friend. Oh, how He loves us.. oh how He loves. I told God “you really love me so much, You answered me so specifically, You keep chasing after me with relentless grace.”
I was baptised by that hip hop pastor, Jaeson Ma, on the 26 of November 2008. An artiste fellowship called Light Club was formed. In Light Club I met many brothers and sisters who love God and through God, love one another. I cannot over emphasize the importance of a fellowship. When one falls, the other picks them up and supports them. I met all these amazing people who understood me. Some I already knew through magazines and TV, and some I didn’t.
One woman in particular touched my heart. She was a famous VJ around 15-20 years ago. How many of you watch the sitcom FRIENDS? I grew up with it, so I am revealing my age. Did you know that FRIENDS was originally looking for an Asian face? This woman was the one originally cast for that role. But at the time, she didn’t take it because she believed the lies the enemy would whisper to her every morning – that she’s not good enough for Hollywood, that her fame would cause shame for the family and everything. Today, she does great things for God and is a proud mother and wife. She’s a spiritual mentor to countless people like me.
Since then, I’ve formed and led a new fellowship with my own friends and I am a Sunday school teacher. I’ve also interned with the law firm I had dreamed about since Cambridge. At the end of this month, I am supposed to play a small role in a Hollywood movie, and I have also been named an honorary ambassador for a foundation against human trafficking.
But this time it feels different because I know all these can be taken away. I have a job as a lawyer today, tomorrow I can get fired, or the director could call and say deal is off. As Pastor Jaeson succinctly puts it, happiness comes from the world, it can be taken away instantly, but JOY comes from knowing and loving God and being loved by God in return. Thank You God for blessing me with JOY which, no enemy can kill, steal or destroy.
However, I don’t want to conclude with a ‘happily ever after ending’ because that’s not going to happen here on earth. Just last week, when I decided to give this testimony, the offer from my dream law firm which I had thought was fully secured was taken from me suddenly and without warning. Life is not perfect. I get sick, I miss my family, I sometimes have negative thoughts in the morning. But in Hong Kong, I learnt the most important lesson about failure.
My favourite song in the world is by Matt Redman which goes,
“You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name”.
Whenever I face failure, I praise God until I silent the negative voices.
‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6 (NKJV)
In return for trusting Him, God has given me the best gift I have ever received in my life. It’s not a crown, a degree or a job. Today, my entire family is getting baptised- My father, mother, sister and 2 yr old niece! I wouldn’t exchange them for the world. They have always been there supporting me. Like God, they are the ones who love me just the way I am.
Thank You God for blessing my family with this eternal gift of life. Jesus, You never promised us easy lives as Christians but You promised that You will never leave us or forsake us and that You will walk with us for the rest of our lives. That is the greatest honour of all. I would rather live one day in Your presence than a thousand elsewhere. Thank you Jesus! Amen!
- Rachel
當我經歷人生低潮時，認識了一位剛剛接受施浸洗禮的弟兄，他的音樂錄音帶更是我讀書時在聽的（當時CD比較貴）。這位弟兄告訴我給他施浸洗禮的是一位跟好萊塢演出者們、F4、韓國歌星們、MC Hammer、MC Jin、還有其他MC合作的牧師。他在我的想像中就似50 cent或Eminem － 帶閃耀的項鍊，還有金牙，不停的 ‘YO’ ！但是現實這位弟兄跟以前毫不一樣，現在的他好像發著光！那我就決定試一試，去認識這位好萊塢牧師。
同一天這位 ‘嘻哈’ 牧師發出的訊息打穿了我的心。他告訴我們：「身為藝人，這世界只為我們在台上能做的而愛我們。我們表演，他們歡呼讚美；我們失敗，他們便忘記我們。不過，我們的身份不是由我們的成就或知名度來斷定的，因為我們的身份來自基督、神、世界之主，我們做任何東西也不能將祂對我們的愛減少。祂想起我們那一刻、祂已斷定了我們配得，祂愛的是原原本本的你！」
聽完這個訊息，朋友便介紹我倆認識。我請這位來自洛杉磯的牧師為我禱告，他對我毫不認識，但我永遠都不會忘記這段禱告：「天父，我將Rachel交給袮。我知道她是袮的寶貝。神！我知道她是袮的公主，所以每一天她甦醒過來，請告訴她，她有多好、有多足夠的天賦，有多足夠的漂亮和聰明。打破仇敵的謊言，讓她每一天醒來跟你相見。」
當我聽完這段禱告，我不停的哭。我回家後便立即看回我前一個星期發給我最好的朋友的電郵，寫下的內容是：「我不夠好、不夠天賦、不夠漂亮和聰明。」今天竟然從牧師口裡出現我寫給朋友的每一字、每一句！噢，祂真的很愛我們！我跟神說：「袮真的很愛我，袮仔細的回答我，袮從不休的伴隨我。」
2008年11月26日這位 ‘嘻哈’ 牧師馬正遠給我施浸洗禮，然後一個名為 ‘Light Club’ 的藝人團契就組成了。在Light Club我認識了很多愛神及讓神透過我們去愛大家的弟兄姊妹，我不會強調一個團契有多重要，但當任何一個人跌倒，其他人便會來扶持他。在這裡我認識了很多明白我的人，有些我從雜誌和電視中已經認識，有些不是。
在這裡我認識了一位女仕特別令我感動，大約15至20年前的她是一位很有名的VJ。你們有看處境戲劇《老友記》嗎？(我跟這劇長大的，所以我的年齡也給你們透露了。) 你知道這處境劇原本是要找一張亞洲面孔的女演員嗎？這位女仕得到了這個角色，但她並沒有接受，因為她相信仇敵的謊話。仇敵會在每一個早上告訴她：「妳不會達到好萊塢的水準、妳的聲譽會令家人感到羞恥的。」今天，她讓神透過她做了偉大的事情，也是一位自豪的媽媽及妻子，更是很多跟我一樣的人之屬靈良師。
從此，我跟朋友組成及帶領新的團契，並且是主日學的導師。在劍橋畢業後我在理想中的律師行實習過，這一個月底我也會在一套好萊塢電影飾演一個小角色，我更被命名為一個反對人口販賣機構的榮譽大使。不過這次感覺不同，因為我已經知道這一切都可以被取去。今日我是一位律師，明天我可以被開除，導演也可以說角色不用我演。就如馬正遠牧師精確的說：「 ‘快樂’ 是由世界所賜的，隨時能被取去；不過 ‘喜悅’ 是從認識神和愛神，及被神愛而來的。感謝神給我 ‘喜悅’ 這份祝福，這是仇敵不能抹殺、偷取、或毀壞的。」
然而，我不想用一個「從此便快快樂樂」的結尾，因為這是不會在地球這裡發生的。就上個星期，當我預備分享以下的見證時，我理想中的律師行突然收回確定自己已被錄取的安排。人生並不完美，我會生病、我會掛念家人、有時早上我會有負面的想法。不過在香港，我學會了關於挫敗最重要的一課。
我最喜歡的歌曲是Matt Redman的作品，歌詞提及：「祢賞賜，祢也收回。」祢賞賜，祢也收回，但我心仍要說耶和華的名是應當稱頌的。”
每當我面對挫敗，我就讚美主，直到所有負面的聲音都被消滅。
“你們當剛強壯膽、不要害怕、也不要畏懼他們、因為耶和華你的 神和你同去、他必不撇下你、也不丟棄你。”－申命記31章6節
我信賴神，祂就給了我一生最美好的恩賜，這不是一個冠冕，也不是一個學位或一份工作。今天，我全家要施浸洗禮－我爸爸、媽媽、妹妹、還有兩歲的外甥女！就算整個世界給我，我也不會放棄他們，他們一直都支持我，就像神，他們都愛原原本本的我。
神呀！感謝你給我家人這永生的恩賜。主耶穌，你沒有答應我們作為基督徒的人生會變得容易，不過你應承我們你必不撇下我們、也不丟棄我們，還會在我們餘生跟我們同行，這是最高的榮譽。在袮的存在中活一日、勝過在別處千日。感謝主耶穌！阿門！
