As a Christian I know how tiring it is to struggle with the same thing for months on end. Things only go downhill as it drags out and we continue our disobedience; our hearts get weighed down by the enemy’s condemnation. I was at a point where I couldn’t worship God, where everyone’s advice and scriptures for me sounded like nothing but annoying cliches. I kept struggling. I kept trying to let go, only to fail time after time. At that point the fact that God is real and loves me became textbook-head-knowledge and was no longer a living truth in my heart.
It didn’t feel like Jesus was there with me, but I also knew that He’s my only way out of this pitch of darkness. So I kept crying out to Him. If this Jesus I thought I have known is real, surely He won’t leave me or forsake me.
Not long after I reconnected with God, I felt separated from Him again by condemnation. My struggle was ongoing. I felt that my disobedience had put irrevocable distance between us. Although He does not put us through what we cannot handle (1 Corinthians 10:13), my flesh was just so loud; I simply could not ‘just do it’. I kept asking God to give me an obedient heart. I kept asking. I kept thinking I was already being honest about my struggles. I kept asking for conviction, but I felt so defeated by my flesh that I thought even if He gave me conviction I wouldn’t know it…
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Then one night – another one of those bathroom moments – after mumbling to God during my shower, I finally stopped and said, “Lord. I want to be obedient; but, to be honest, even if You convict me again right now… I don’t think I will obey. I’m sorry. I want to be obedient… but my desires and fear of letting go is just so strong… Please help me, Jesus…”
Gradually I let go, after giving up on making an effort on my own for so long. It was like God flicked a switch.
A few days later I fell back into the same pattern. It felt so impossible. It felt like I had finally let go, but the struggle came and hunted me down. This time I took a step back and stopped looking at the problem – I looked at the problem-solver instead.
I questioned myself. I wondered if I was using God as an excuse, but I believe that if I keep asking for His guidance He will come through. Eventually, God showed me that what I had thought was so impossible to let go of, was in fact impossible and pointless to hold onto.
Last night I mourned with my Father in heaven. We mourned that this has become something so broken it’s impossible to hold onto.
God will heal His children.
- Rachel P
